Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My first blog post ever


 I finally got around to deleting my MySpace account the other day. Look, if you think that's bad, I didn't delete my Friendster account until I started writing this post. Oh, you don't remember Friendster? Shut up.

Back to my MySpace post. Before I deleted the account, I went through my old "blog" posts and found three that were worth saving. Possibly worth sharing, too, but that's up to y'all, I suppose.

Indulge me for a moment. I promise, it's super short.

From the annals of MySpace

September 18, 2006

Current mood:weird
Okay, so I'm walking Boomer on this long walk by on the ocean trail to get him some extra exercise.  It's been a half hour, so we cross Oceanview to walk back home on the sidewalk.  I'm working on his training, making him stop at every crosswalk, etc.  Well, he is not really wanting to sit at this one corner, so I am patiently waiting for him sit.  This construction worker, complete with long silver curly hair is talking as he's walking past me.  It actually took me a minute to register that he was actually talking to me.  "Nature don't make no mistake.  Your mama did you right, girl."  I guess I need to call Joye and thank her for doing me right.  I'll do it right after I bathe the dirty creeped out feeling off of me.
 
There you have it, folks. The beginning of my blogging career. Epic, huh?
 
Seriously, though, have you gone back to other social media sites or old blogs you started long ago and read some of your old posts? Do you get a kick out of it? Have you ever reposted an old (perhaps completely pointless) blog post?
 
Please share some of your favorite oldies in your comments!
I'd love to read them.

Monday, July 30, 2012

I Loved College!

So, the other night, I saw Asher Roth on a show and in honor of his song, "I Love College", I would like to write about why I loved college. All six years of it. There are definitely lines in his song that I can relate to, but I forego putting my reasons for loving college into a song.

Please note the long hair & earrings. EARRINGS! -DanaK


1. Freedom. Now it's not like I didn't have freedom in high school but you have so much more in college. Come and go as you please. Stay out until all hours. Option to skip class.

2. Fraternity Life. Prior to college I made fun of fraternities. And I do say fraternities and not frat. You don't call your country a c....you get the idea. In fact, I vividly remember driving by my future fraternity when I arrived on campus and mocking them. Anyways, joining the fraternity was one of the best decisions of my life. I made terrific friends, learned to appreciate the views of others, and always had someone to share a beer with. Of course, there were parties and socials but I'll get to that.

3. Parties, socials, and mixers. I was not a partier in high school and, in fact, didn't drink until I got to college. I didn't always drink in college, though, even at some parties, and they were still awesome. As a popular fraternity with many members, we had a large social budget which meant numerous and large parties. We had awesome bands, awesome themes, and an awesome time. Social events with sororities were fun, also.

Long hair, a necklace, and EARRINGS! - DanaK


4. College football games. There is no better way to spend a Saturday. Case closed.

5. Pre-gaming for college football games. There is no better way to spend a Saturday morning before a college football game. It didn't matter how late I was up on Friday night, come 8am Saturday morning I would be up, dressed in the most ridiculous outfit I could find, and drinking screwdrivers while dancing to loud music. It was also fun to watch some of the other guys walk over to sororities buck naked and see the look on the girls' faces when they answered the door.

6. Road Trips. Memorable times with good friends. Trips to Notre Dame, New Orleans, and every city along A1A in Florida including West Palm, Miami, and Key West. Nothing like sleeping in parking lots and bathing in the ocean.

Yes. That's a crab. And a goatee. Shenanigans. -DanaK

7. No responsibility. Ok there was some responsibility to be had but it was nothing compared to what it's like to be a grown-up.

There are plenty more reasons I loved college but this blog has to end at some point. Would I go back to college? Of course, but I don't think it would be as fun. That and I would be that creepy older guy everyone talks about...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Lesson in Ordering Magazines

So, my niece, KriKri, was selling magazines for a school fundraiser.  I like playing the part of the supportive aunt.

I do, however, like to save money.

Chris & I decided to pick a magazine that might appeal to both of us so I circled some that sounded interesting.  From that, Chris knocked out the ones he wasn't interested in and then we chose the cheapest one.

Outdoor Life

Chris & I like to camp, hike, enjoy the great outdoors on a regular basis. This sounded like something we could both enjoy and it would help out KriKri and her school.

You know that old saying - when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me - right?

Yeah. That.



I know, I know...when you think of me, you think of automatic weapons.  I completely understand the association.

I'm thinking about using some of the articles and headlines for blog fodder.

What do you think? I'll be getting these magazines for a year...

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Nice to Meet You! You Suck!

Chris is participating in Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop this week!  Enjoy!

****************

Ok. So the title isn't exactly what was said when I first met my MIL, but that's what I heard.

I'll set the scene, briefly.

Chris and Dana meet. Chris buys Dana and roommate dinner. Chris asks Dana out. Chris goes out with Dana a few times. Dana goes out with Chris a few times to make another guy jealous. Chris tries to kiss Dana. Denied! Chris almost throws in the towel. Chris and Dana go out some more. Chris and Dana dare each other to get married to each other. Both accept. Both call their parents to tell them the great news.

At least I thought it was great news. That was until Dana called her mom.

Dana excitedly calls her mom, a woman I had never met or talked to, and tells her that we are engaged. Dana, being a lifetime member of the Prankster Club, is questioned by her mom if this is another attempt to get a good laugh at her expense. Dana tells her no; that this for real.

 Suddenly, the phone is handed to me with the statement from Dana that her mom doesn't believe her.

I take the phone and say "hello".

"Are you really going to marry my daughter," Joye asks.
"Yes, I am." I reply.
"I'm not sure you are good enough to marry my daughter," Joye then says.

I know, right? How dare she say that.

In any event, the conversation continued. Joye said that before this goes any further I had to meet her in person. I said sure and told her that Dana and I could come down the following weekend.

She said that that was fine but leave Dana there.*

This was going to be she and I, me and her.

Alone.

I wasn't too worried because I typically got along with parents of prior girlfriends. I made arrangements to stay at Dana's moms' home that weekend and all I kept thinking about was her telling me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter.

So when I finally pulled up into the driveway of Joye's home, I was ready to prove her wrong. We exchanged courtesies right away, although I don't remember if we hugged or not. We immediately went to lunch where I proceeded to get the third degree and was asked questions as if I were on trial.

It was a bit rough, I wont lie.

I suppose it went fine because she didn't say "You Suck."

Joye's smiling, right?






Mama’s Losin’ It

 5.) Describe what it was like meeting your in-laws for the first time?

 *For the record, I told Chris not to do it. - Dana


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Top Ten Things I NEVER Want to Do

In no particular order, these are the

Top Ten Things I NEVER Want to Do:


October Tarantula Migration
Photo Credit: goingslo
1 - Hold a tarantula.

2 - Go sky diving.

3 - .Give birth to twenty kids.

4 - Run a marathon.

5 - Hang out at a clown convention.

6 - Go bungee jumping.
DSC07077
Photo Credit: Carla777

 7 - Wear jorts.

8 - Watch Titanic again.

9 - Help my mom start a blog.

10 - Be President of the United States.



Mama’s Losin’ It


Inspired by :: 3.) Create a reverse bucket list that names the top ten things you never want to do.
(Inspired by The Hairpin)

Is there anything on this list you disagree with? What would you add?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

More Stupid Husband Tricks #VlogTalk




It's been a while since I posted the first installment of Stupid Husband Tricks on YouTube.  This week, #VlogTalk gave me the opportunity to slip another one in...




If Chris's love of jumping over random stuff doesn't make us famous...my slow-mo laugh will. ;-)

What crazy thing does your significant other (or YOU) insist on doing even though he or she (or YOU) are not 18 anymore?



Vlog Talk


3) You made the cover of a tabloid. What did you do to get on there?

Monday, January 9, 2012

What Was Google Thinking?

When you have a blog, you have the ability to keep track of information regarding how & when your blog is accessed, most popular posts, number of visitors, how much time users spend on your blog, etc. My favorite data are the Google search keywords. I have literally guffawed at some of the search terms that lead to our blog, so I thought I'd share a few gems with y'all & link to the posts I must assume they are trying to find...

Chris always makes a huge impact on my stats whenever he's on the blog...especially when it involves dirtstaches & unibrows:

ugly annoying christopher
dirtstache december
i have a unibrow and i want to get rid of it but im not allowed
i think unibrows are hot

stupid husband blog

I don't warrant the same number of search terms:

hot wife vlog - obviously, this is the only possible video that warrants this particular search term.

is my face fat or swollen - how about both?

My hometown even makes the cut:

brunswick, ga why does it stink - the actual answer is a combination of paper mills (which everyone will agree on the amount of stink these cause) and a rich marsh ecosystem (which most of us locals consider to be the smell of life & not stinky at all).

Outside of all of the VLCADD posts, I can only assume the following search term also belonged to Klaw:

ugly ass infections - I think we had this covered in September of 2010.

I'm not sure if this is some sort of fetish, but...

women holding chicken by feet - I really do get a significant amount of traffic thanks to Morgan's blog, The Little Hen House, and, hopefully, this person enjoyed her guest post..

As for these?  I have no clue. I hope you found whatever you were looking for when Google brought you to my blog.

my cat is hissing at me and i'm 39 weeks pregnant

toilet leak blog comments by intensedebate

 pictures of south carolina trash cans

What are some of the strangest sites Google searching has led you to? Do you have any crazy search terms that led people to your blog or website? 

Were any of you responsible for these search terms? It's okay. You can totally admit it. 
I won't blog about you. 
Probably.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Jesus, Take the Wheel???

C'mon...you KNOW this is better than toast.

ETA:: This is not paint. It's tubes & hoses just hanging on the back of the truck!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Evolution of a Tantrum

HEE HEE Look at me!!! I can run!!!
BYE!!!

WHERE IS EVERYBODY???
Huh...I guess they are coming now.
Oh, hai! Glad y'all could join me.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

An Open Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa Claus,

First of all, thank you for delivering many gifts over the years.  I really do appreciate it.  I especially appreciate the fact that you even delivered my brand new bicycle even though I had been misbehaving and being rude to Mama right before Christmas.  I realize you didn't have to do that.

I think the two page "note" explaining how much I did not deserve the bicycle but you felt you had to bring it because Mom had already paid for it *may* have been overkill.

I won't go so far as to blame that note on the fact that it took me three years to learn to ride a bike.  Although, guilt can do crazy things...

Secondly, I'd like to know why I only got gifts that my parents had paid for in advance. I don't remember this being the case for any of my other friends and they got a TON of toys each & every year.

Leslie always smiled.


What's up with that, Santa?

I know my neighborhood was rough. Did you feel like you deserved some monetary reimbursement for putting your reindeer at risk?  I'm okay with it now, but it kind of hurt my feelings at the time.

Thirdly, why did you mostly bring me underwear and winter clothes?  I wanted toys.  I would've settled for books.  Seriously.  Underwear.  From Santa.  Do you realize how mortifying it is to go to school and have everybody ask what you got from Santa?  Underwear.

Snoopy underwear is not happiness


Not cool, Santa, not cool.

Finally, I didn't intend to be so bitter about this.  I do appreciate everything I received growing up.  I'm not very materialistic and I definitely think that's a wonderful lesson to have learned the hard way as a child.

However, I'm really weird about receiving gifts now.  I'm not going to go so far as to blame you for this, Santa, but I do think you have to take a little credit for my strange behavior.

I didn't even need to be home to be weird

Oh, I'm sorry we never left any food out for you.  Mom said it would attract roaches and that you'd understand.

See you soon?

DanaK

PS - I have technically never officially stopped believing...keep that in mind (iPad 2 with 3G)





Mama’s Losin’ It


Inspired by 3.) Open Letter To Santa Claus

Thursday, November 17, 2011

You Won't Marry Me - Challenge Accepted

Have you ever wondered why or how Chris & I got married?  Here's our love story...you may want to have the tissues handy...



August 2001

Chris was fresh out of Officer Candidate School & working at The Citadel in Charleston, SC, waiting to attend the Naval Weapons Station for training.

I was starting my third year in The Holy City, living with one of my oldest & dearest friends, Arynn.

It just so happened that my roomie's ex-boyfriend was one of Chris's best friends and fraternity brothers at Georgia Tech.  Arynn was the only person Chris knew in the area, so one evening he called and offered to take her and her roommate (ME!) out to dinner.

For some background, I was happily & decidedly single...not lonely...single.  I was also working 50+ hours a week for barely more than minimum wage in a very physically demanding job, so I was also hungry.

Enter Chris...Chris, a frat monkey I already knew stories about and had seen pictures of from various trips during his Georgia Tech days.

Years before meeting Chris
Dana: "He's kind of cute."
Arynn:  "Yeah. He knows it."
Dana: "Oh. One of those...gross."

He dated another girl I knew. It didn't end well...much like most of his relationships prior to me.  So, to put it mildly, I didn't like him before I even met him.

However, I'm never one to turn down a free meal.  Especially when I'm hungry.

We went to one of my favorite local restaurants, The Wreck, and I ate so much food. I ordered extra hush puppies because he was flashing cash like he just got his bonus.  A girl's gotta eat...

September 2001

We went out a few times after that. I took him to a local band's concert so I could try & make a bass player jealous.  Fun stuff like that!

One night, we had a real date.  We went to dinner at a nice French restaurant I worked at for a while and then saw Jeepers Creepers together.  He drove me home, walked me to the door...

Chris: "Well, I feel like we've gotten to know each other and we've become more than friends. Would it be appropriate if I kissed you goodnight."
BitchDana: "First of all, we're barely more than acquaintances. Second of all, if you have to ask if it's appropriate to kiss someone good night, it's obviously not."
Chris: "Okay. You can call me when you get back from your sister's if you want to." (gets in car immediately and leaves)

I left the next day to visit my brand new niece and had several days to reflect on what had happened.  A guy had, for the first time, completely not put up with my bitchtastic BS.  Also, a girl, for the first time, had not swooned over Chris giving her attention.  Obviously, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I emailed him while I was in Virginia and called him as soon as I got back.

I went out with Chris and other friends for my 25th birthday a few days later on September 27th.  My best friend called the next morning and I told her I had met the man I was going to marry.



October 2001

A few days after my birthday, one of us made the comment "you won't marry me." This started a "no, YOU won't marry ME" type stupid argument. We are REALLY REALLY good at stupid arguments. I called his bluff and told him to call my mom and tell her we were getting married. He did it, poor sap.

Mom assumed I was pulling her leg so she started telling Chris that he wasn't good enough for her daughter and she did not approve of him, etc.  I saw his face just drop. Poor guy didn't know what hit him.  I took the phone away and told her I wasn't kidding.  She has a conscience, unlike me, so she felt bad and only laughed a little bit before she told Chris he had to spend a weekend with her...without me.  He did it, poor sap.


April 2002

We got married.


November 2011

9+ years later, we're still married, poor sap.

Had we known each other any better, it probably wouldn't have happened. We didn't like each other very much that first year of marriage.  Thankfully, we like each other now.




Mama’s Losin’ It


Inspired by: 3.) Married? Tell us the story of how the question was popped.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Why I Won't Birth 20 Kids

So, the Duggars had a big announcement this week.  Michelle Duggar is pregnant again.

image credit: ivanmarn

First of all, more power to her and I sincerely hope she has a safe & healthy pregnancy.

However, all of the publicity got me thinking and that's always a little scary.  I started thinking about 20 kids and I realized I could never do it for a lot of reasons.

1 - I'm 35 years old.  I only have one child. The thought of being pregnant well into my 50s in order to have 19 more children doesn't appeal to me.

2 - We have a soft spot for big dogs. Really big dogs.  That leaves little room for 19 more children.

3 - I hated being pregnant. I was sick and miserable the whole time.  As much as I love Klaw, the thought of being pregnant again, even if only one more time, makes me cringe.

4 - I don't like to do laundry.

5 - I can barely remember the names of my pets. There's no way I'd remember the names of 20 children. I've watched the Duggars rattle off the names of their children and I am in awe.

6 - If we had 20 kids, statistically speaking, about 5 of those kids would have VLCADD.  Granted, it's a manageable condition...but that first year is awful.  Hospitalizations, weekly visits with specialists, regular blood work, cardiology appointments, waking the baby up & force feeding him/her...it's emotionally and physically draining.  Thinking about going through that four more times is overwhelming.

7 - I imagine cosleeping is pretty difficult with 20 kids.  How many king size beds would we have to buy & shove together?

8 - Chris would eventually deploy again.  That would SUUUUUUCK!!!

9 - I don't think 20 kids would fit in our pop-up camper.  This is not acceptable.

10 - I have nightmares about blown out vajajays.

What it all comes down to is this:

Her body; her choice.
My body; my choice.

How about we leave each other's uteri alone.
You hear that voters?

ETA: I'm very sorry to add that the Duggars lost their baby.
I'm even sorrier to add that many people have not been very compassionate about it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

5 Things That Make a Camping Trip Merely Good

This is continuation of my post 5 Things That Make a Camping Trip Great. While camping is like pizza to me (there is no bad pizza) there certainly are those things that can make it merely a good camping trip and not great one.

Here are few things that can take a camping trip from...

Great to Good

1. Seeing your team lose, live!!! While Oklahoma is my team, I still follow and support Georgia Tech (I actually spent more time at GT than OU). When a college friend was selling tickets to the GT-UVA game, Dana and I decided to purchase two and take the opportunity to go camping. I figured this would be a perfect game to go to. GT was highly ranked, undefeated, and playing a Virginia team that hasn't had a good football team since 1990. Surely, this would be in the bag. Yeah, not so much. While our seats were great, everything about Georgia Tech's play was terrible. They came out flat and made UVA look like they were the ranked ones. Can I get my money back, Ashley? 

Dana being smug because GT is losing.


2. Lack of cell phone coverage. So camping in the foothills of the Appalachians, while beautiful, isn't cell phone friendly. I'm not normally one for needing cell phone coverage while camping, but we left the dogs at home for this trip and I was a bit curious on how they were doing. If there had been a problem there would have been no way to contact us. Fortunately for the free wi-fi at the campground, we were able to communicate via messaging on Facebook.

3. One lane gravel roads. Due the lack of cell phone coverage, we were unable to find out if one winery, Sugarleaf Vineyards, was accessible for a truck towing a camper. We decided to risk it and let me tell you, it was stressful. This one lane gravel road was the worst road I have been on in a long time. Plenty of potholes and plenty of blind bends. Fortunately for the trip to the winery we encountered no other traffic. We were not so lucky leaving the winery. Backing up with a camper is not easy and I'll leave it at that. We came out unscathed but I don't need any more gray hair.

4. Crowded campgrounds. When we go camping, we don't come to socialize with the other campers and, frankly, would rather be the only people out there. When we made reservations, there were only three spots left so I knew this was going to be a crowded campground and boy was it. It was kid hell, as I had to dodge little Hell's Angels as I walked to the restroom. For further reading on why this sucks, see number 5 below.






5. Loud, Drunken Rednecks. As if crowded campgrounds aren't bad enough, throw in Billy Ray, his first cousin/wife Bobbie Sue, their 12 chil'ren, and plenty of Busch Light and Boone's Farm and you've got a recipe for disaster. Oh yeah, did I mention they were our neighbors? Quiet hours evidently didn't apply to these asshats as they sang Skynyrd and loudly laughed into the wee hours.

All in all, it was a good trip. Honestly, take away the rednecks and the Georgia Tech loss and it would've have been a great trip.

If you camp, what are your camping pet peeves?  Do you have any funny or harrowing stories to share?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Stupid Husband Tricks

Today is usually #VlogTalk day, but I did not choose one of the prompts this week.  Another video opportunity presented itself and I am not one to ignore a wonderful gift when it is given to me.

Enjoy...





So, what's the dumbest thing your significant other has done lately?

Vlog Talk

Monday, November 7, 2011

5 Things That Make a Camping Trip Great

Chris is back & inspired by a recent camping trip...hope you enjoy!

just outside of Charlottesville, VA

Ok, so I didn't title this "10 Things That Make a Camping Trip Awesome". Nope, I didn't want to focus on just those things that made our recent camping trip awesome because for every awesome there is usually a terrible. Instead I'm going to provide 5 things that make a camping trip go from good to great in this post and 5 things that make a camping trip go from great to good in another post.

Good to Great

1. Beautiful weather. Nothing says "its a great time to camp" than fall weather. Chilly nights and mild days. Combine that with bountiful sunshine and camping is on point.

also near Charlottesville, VA


2. Well-maintained campgrounds. You never know what you are going to get when you make a campground reservation. Pictures don't always tell the whole story and for every bad review you can always find a good one. When there is only one campground where you want to go, well, there is no choice and you get what you get. The KOA in Charlottesville was nice. Nestled in the foothills of the Appalachians, there was plenty of fall foliage, nice level sites, each with their own campfire ring, a nice store, and clean restrooms.

3. Free WiFi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that when you are camping you are supposed to become one with nature and all that jazz and that's fine. But fall camping coincides with another love of mine: College Football. I schedule camping around OU's games so I won't go if they are playing in a tough game. So they played Kansas this camping weekend so I wasn't really concerned but having WiFi afforded me the opportunity to run ESPN's GameCast and keep up with it, play by play.

4. Nearby libations. Dana and I are all about supporting local wineries and breweries. We don't necessarily go out looking for them, but if they are nearby, you can bet we are going to make a stop. I didn't do any research ahead of time but was told that there were some wineries in the Charlottesville area. Much to my surprise and delight, there were four of them within ten miles of where we were staying. Unfortunately Klaw isn't old enough to drive, so we limited ourselves to two of them. We will get the others next time.

Dave Matthews's Blenheim Vineyards

Sugarleaf Vineyards


5. Cooperative children. We've only taken Klaw camping once before and he was good. Since that time, he has, how do I say this, developed a penchant for throwing temper tantrums periodically. Not that he is ever bad but sometimes he shows his tail, as on old family friend used to put it. This trip he was great! He went to bed when we did, slept the entire night, and even was good enough to allow us to stay the entire 4 quarters of a GT-UVA football game. Thanks buddy!!!

Chris, Klaw, & Buzz

Do you enjoy camping? What are do you think makes for a great camping trip?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Warning: Random Fist Pumps Ahead

I'm not really into having a "song." I know lots of couples have their special "song" that is the soundtrack of their love...blah blah blah...I just don't understand it.  I might make fun of it; I might be jealous.  I'll let you decide.

I have had a couple of songs that I've considered my own personal anthems throughout my life.

I still want to fist pump whenever I hear them.

I may roll down my windows and shout the lyrics like it's my job if I'm driving.

Anthem #1 - Already Gone by The Eagles







This is pure truth, right here:

Well I know it wasn’t you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key

Can I get an "AMEN"???  That stanza will be memorized by Klaw right after The Lord's Prayer & The Apostle's Creed.

Anthem #2 - Here I Go Again - Whitesnake

Yes, Whitesnake, people.  Whitesnake is the awesome.







This was basically my frame of mind until I randomly married met Chris:

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. 

I know that may seem a little sad at first BUT I was single and absolutely loved it. I had no plans to get married.  Nope, not for me. The older I got, the less the thought of being shackled to someone appealed to me. I was also living in Charleston and it is REALLY EASY to be single and love your life in Charleston.  Gah.  It may actually be harder to have a successful committed relationship in Charleston.  Oh, fun times.

Anyways, now that I'm a happily married mom (neither item was on my "to-do" list of life), I don't have a theme song anymore.  That kind of makes me sad because I LOVE TO SING!  So, I'm including a list of potential "new" anthems & the key lyrics that make me love the song:

Get Over It - The Eagles
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick its little ass

Growing Older But Not Up - Jimmy Buffett
I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
I’d rather die while I’m livin’ than live while I’m dead

Let Your Soul Shine - The Allman Brothers Band

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.
 
What are some songs on your life soundtrack?  Any songs that are the anthems of your past??? Which song do you think should be my "new" anthem?



Mama’s Losin’ It


This post is inspired by 2.) Tell us about your song.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Top Ten Things I Would Do If I Didn't Work

 If I didn't work (har har har)

1 - I would watch every single episode of Yo Gabba Gabba.  I would learn all of the songs and AWESOME dance moves.  Rock on DJ Lance.

2 - I would drink multiple cups of (half-caf) coffee each morning.

3 - I would visit the Children's Museum of Virginia and the Virginia Living Museum on a regular basis.

4 - I would look at my house and wish that someone would come by & clean it daily.

5 - I would nap with Klaw and Callie.



6 - I would be the Yelp! Duchess of three grocery stores, four gas stations, a pediatric practice, a pediatric specialist group, & Walmart.

7 - I would develop carpal tunnel from all of the time I spend gathering information farting around on my iPhone.

8 - I would wear my pajamas until noon every day unless brunch with friends social obligations forced me to leave the house.


9 - I would read a lot of crappy free, self-published iBooks on my iPhone.

10 - I would allow my husband to continue to erroneously cling to the hope that I will one day make money from this blog.

There you go.



Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Urban Hens & the Women Who Raise Them (Guest Post)


Many many months ago, I stumbled across a blog called The Little Hen House while I was trying to figure out how to make a blog button with a grab box. I didn't even leave a comment thanking her for it.

How rude of me!!!!

Anywhoo, I kept reading her blog off & on and becoming more & more jealous that she lives in San Diego, so I started interacting with her on Twitter and finally leaving some comments on her blog.  I'm glad I did.  Morgan is a delightful person with a wonderful sense of humor.  Her blog covers everything from fashion to family, from blog tips to humor, and, of course, her life within the hen house.

When I mentioned my interest in one day owning hens (& goats, but that's another story for another day), she was totally game for a litte Q&A about hen ownership in an urban/suburban setting.  Even if you have no desire to own hens yourself, I think you'll at least be entertained.  When you are done here, make sure you check out her blog!

Thank you, Morgan!!!



How long have you had hens & what made you decide, "OMG I want some hens in my backyard"?

We have had hens since February, and are coming up on our sixth month anniversary with them. I can't say that I had an "ah ha!" moment that moved us to become urban chicken farmers. My family and I live in the barrio, and many of our neighbors have chickens. We joked about getting chickens when we bought our house five years ago (to better acclimate to the neighborhood), and over time the idea of raising backyard chickens sounded better and better.


How much space is required per hen? How much can you get away with at an absolute minimum? Describe your first chicken coop.

It really depends on the breed of chicken. There are breeds that are better for meat, some are well-known for their egg laying, and others are just for show.

As far as space goes, good rule of thumb is this: The interior of the coop should have 2 square feet of floor space per bird, the exterior of the coop (the run) should have, at bare minimum, four square feet of space per bird. That is still quite restrictive though. Something like 10 square feet per bird would provide your hens with a very comfortable living environment. If you decide to let your hens roam the yard, make sure your fence is at least six feet high, or clip their wings. You also want to make sure that they can't climb under the fence, between the pickets, and that they are safe from ariel predators like hawks.



Our chicken coop (the only one we have ever owned) was purchased on Craigslist for $200. Is there anything you can't find on Craigslist? I mean, really. If you don't go the Craigslist route, you can purchase coop building kits online for really cheap, or even find some for free. Depending on how many hens you have, you can use a guinea pig cage as a coop or even convert and old dog house into a coop. There are also pre-fab wooden coop kits sold online, Eglu makes a hard-shelled coop, or you can easily build a simple coop out of scrap wood.


Describe the perfect hen personality for an urban/suburban setting.

Ok, this made me crack up because it's hard to believe, but chickens really do have different personalities. The chickens we have right now are very docile and not too adventurous. They are destructive by nature, and if you wind up with a crafty one on your hands she can cause a slew of problems. Which brings me to the next question....

Describe the worst hen personality for an urban/suburban setting.

Some of Dagny's handiwork
We just had to get rid of one of our hens, Dagny. She was bossy, pecked the other hens on the neck, and was very naughty. Dagny nearly drew blood on one of the hen's necks and she was always breaking out of the yard or getting in my vegetable garden. Once we even found her roaming in an alley down the street from my house! The day after Dagny went to live at my friend's house, I got a text from her saying she and her husband came home to find Dagny sitting in their living room watching TV with the dog.

Speaking of the devil, Dagny. Do you miss her? Do the other hens miss her? Do they even remember her? Their brains aren't all that big.

I have to say that I don't miss Dagny one bit. Ok, maybe that's not entirely true: I miss her eggs. That's it. My husband was sad to see Dagny go, but he's not the one who had to deal with her bad attitude. While I can't speak for the other hens, I'm pretty sure they were happy to see Dagny go too. Things are quite peaceful around The Little Hen House these days.

Have you ever thought about bringing a rooster into the hen house (other than your husband)?

Ummmm. Hell to the no. Our next door neighbor had a rooster when we first moved in and I wanted to DIE. Actually, I wanted the rooster to die. It crowed non-stop. All day and all night. Whomever made up the old adage about the rooster crowing at sunrise was a liar. Don't tell anyone, but we finally had to call the city and have it removed from our neighbor's property. Hens are legal in our city under certain conditions, but roosters are entirely illegal. Considering our chicken coop breaks the city's code, it was pretty hypocritical of us to rat out our neighbor, but my sanity depended on it.

How much time per day do you have to allocate towards taking care of the hens? What is the most difficult aspect of their care? Other than the eggs, what are the benefits to owning hens?

I don't check on the hens every day. I probably spend about an hour a week cleaning up after them, refilling their food and water, and collecting the eggs. Once a month I do a big clean out of the coop, and that takes about an hour to an hour and a half. I think a dog is a lot more work than a chicken!

The most difficult aspect of their care is keeping them contained and dealing with their destructive habits. They love to dig up plants and make a mess. I have pretty much let go of the idea that my chickens are going to live in some manicured little grassy area. It's a pig sty.

Not only do chickens provide fresh, high-quality eggs, but they also serve as an in-house fertilizing and bug removal system. My plants, when they aren't being dug up, are lush and healthy. I haven't seen a slug in months, and the brown widow spiders that used to plague my yard are nonexistent. I love it!

A family I nannied for had hens and one night raccoons got all but one hen (she was really smart for a hen). It was very sad for everyone, myself included. Are there any other predators you have to prepare for in an urban/suburban setting? What about, say, really big dogs or sneaky cats? Toddlers?

How terrible for that family! Whatever environment you raise chickens in, predators are a constant threat. My neighborhood has a feral cat epidemic, and I was really worried about the cats hunting down the chickens. I think the fact that I have enough hens for them to form a flock, has kept the cats at bay. I'm pretty sure they would kick any cat's ass that tried to attack one of the brood. There are also stray dogs in the area, but my fence keeps them out. I also worry about skunks attacking the coop at night, but so far we haven't had any problems. Luckily, my toddlers have a healthy dose of fear of the hens. They have a tendency to peck at my girls, which doesn't hurt, but it sure does startle the bejeesus out of them!


Do you think a few hens could take out a maltese dog that is never on leash & always poops in our yard? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

If we are speaking hypothetically, then I might suggest that a rooster would probably take care of their little Maltese problem. Not that I would know about these things, especially anything about the aggressive and territorial nature of roosters. Ahem.

What is the number one piece of advice you would give to someone like myself who might be considering owning a couple of hens?


I would say this: Do your homework. I highly recommend checking out: www.backyardchickens.com


and/or reading "Raising Backyard Chickens for Dummies." Then, just go for it! Life is short and it should be full of adventure. Here is how I look at it: Raising chickens isn't boring. Plus, if all else fails, it makes for great blog fodder. :)

 Have you every wanted to own hens (or goats, because I love them)?  Do you raise any now?  Why or why not?

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Dream That Made Me Question My Medication...

The other night, I had a ridiculous dream.  I imagine it was similar to what one might experience during a bad LSD trip.  The best part is that when I woke up, I immediately thought to myself, "I need Jillsmo to illustrate this dream for my blog."

I'm not kidding.  I woke up from a disturbing dream and thought about another blogger.

Anyways, the focus of my dream was a huge see-saw contraption positioned on the middle of a king-size bed with EIGHT bears on it.  Yes, eight bears.  On a super see-saw.  On a bed.

I knew those bears were some of Jillsmo's now-famous The Popsicle Bear Thing©.  The only thing left was for me to convince Jill of this fact and bring my dream to life on my blog.

We had some tweeting & emailing to do before we could accomplish this task in order to clarify the vision.

I put too much pressure on Jill.  She doubted her ability.



Rough Draft #2

Rough Draft #1
















I begged. Jill relented. I rejoiced.

Thank you, Jillsmo.

eight bears on a seesaw, as dreamed by Dana K



PS - tomorrow is my birthday...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Roadside Emergency Kits

In my almost 20 years of driving, I have learned the importance of having a Roadside Emergency Kit available at all times.  Some of the contents have come about due to finding myself in a situation and lacking a necessary item (inflate-a-flat, anyone?).  Some of them are, of course, the basics that everyone should have at all times (like jumper cables!).

However, my Roadside Emergency Kit has evolved devolved into something quite alarming over the past few years.  I'm sure a behavior analyst would have plenty to say about it.  To be quite honest, I was rather taken aback when I realized what I had collected.

Perhaps Chris &/or any of my passengers should be a little wary.

You never know what you're in for when you get in the car with me.


Yes, you are reading that correctly.  My Roadside Emergency Kit contains Bubba teeth, athletic tape, a knife, and an ice scraper.  All I need are some adult diapers and I'm ready for a trip to Cape Canaveral.

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