Facing Scylla & Charybdis

Tweet I wrote this quite a while ago but balked on publishing it. I'm far enough past the situation that it doesn't feel so raw anymore.

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I'm sure most of us have been there.

We've been faced with a decision and neither choice looks good.

We've had to decide to let other people down, let ourselves down, or potentially both.

These decisions may take hours or days but it feels like years are stolen from you. Your stomach hurts. Your head hurts. Worst of all,

your heart hurts.

When you commit to your chosen course of action, you know it's the right one because your head & stomach relax even though your heart doesn't stop hurting.

You know you've let people down who depended on you. You can guess that they feel abandoned and maybe even betrayed or rejected. You know, personally, you've said goodbye to an opportunity you'll never see again.

and it hurts

and you have to remind yourself of why you ultimately made the choice

You look at other important people in your life and you know you didn't let them down. You know your choice made them feel supported and, most of all, valued. You know your choice kept your integrity intact and that, one day,

personal integrity may be all you have left.

You remind yourself that you can be replaced. You can even be replaced by someone more qualified, more competent, more experienced. Ultimately, you are expendable to everyone but yourself.

Life will go on but you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day.

You know, deep down, you only ever had one choice.

How do you stand up for your beliefs?

Tweet I have recently found myself challenged by people I share an important goal with...but disagree on some of the ways people work to achieve that goal. I started a status update on Facebook but I quickly realized I needed a bigger venue that would, hopefully, facilitate a broader discussion.

I have several "soapbox" issues (you can check out the tab above this post). I feel very strongly about them and I actively work to support & promote these issues in my personal and public life (occasionally, even in official jobs).

I can get pretty fired up about stuff very quickly. I do my best to remain respectful & calm (or at least appear that way).

Sometimes, I fail miserably.

But I really do try to put myself in other people's shoes. I don't believe people make different decisions than I do because they wish to harm others. I disagree with some of my closest friends & many family members on issues of parenting, politics, & even pets. Outside of intentional, malicious acts, I generally don't let this affect my personal relationships with them...even though I really do enjoy a good, heated debate.

This has caused some people to believe I'm not as serious or as committed to my "soapbox" causes as others within these movements.

They're wrong, for the record.

Which now brings me to what would have been my longest Facebook status update ever:

What methods work best to convince you to change your mind/opinion about a topic, or at least look more deeply into other choices?

Do respectful discussions work best, where both (or more) sides are shared? Would you rather just read informative literature about the topic on your own time? Do you take the intiative to find opposing viewpoints on your own?

What about personal stories from people similar to yourself who once agreed with you but later changed their minds?

What about belittling or name-calling? How do you react if you are called names (like a child abuser or unfit parent) by people who disagree with you?

How do you respond if/when the person you disagree with is the one being belittled or attacked? Would that chalenge you to look more deeply at their side of the issue?

I know...it's a lot to think about. Don't feel like you have to answer it all at once.

There are no wrong answers. ;-)

Here are Klaw's newest shoes...and I can't put myself in them to save my life.

Giving it up for Lent

Tweet  It's almost time for Lent. This will be my third Lent whilst blogging.  The first year, I got philosophical about how Lent is a time for reflection and preparation since I was about to have a baby.  Last year, I gave up Facebook & BabyCenter to focus (pretty successfully, in my opinion) on this blog.

photo credit: robinsan

This year?  This year, I'm just going to be completely vain.  I'm not kidding. I'm giving up bread, rolls, & chips.

How is this vain?

I love bread. The last time I gave up bread, I lost weight quickly and, quite honestly, I would like to lose some weight.

I've already been to the doctor(s) and I do have some minor common (& not so common) things going on that are affecting my energy level.  I'm in the process of taking care of those issues and I hope by dumping some of the fairly empty carbs I love to consume, I'll be able to kick start some weight loss.

I weigh about 5 pounds more than I weighed the day I gave birth to Klaw. I'm about 30 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant. I don't even care to lose all 30 pounds.  I just want to have fewer creases in my flabulous belly.

It would be easy to assume that I'm completely missing the point of Lent.

I'm not.

Giving up bread, rolls, & chips will be a huge sacrifice and I promise you, I will think on Christ's most holy sacrifice as my mouth waters and my stomach grumbles while I eat a salad at Panera Bread or nuggets at Chick-fil-a.

Hopefully, after 40 weeks, I will be a better, slightly trimmer person.

Do you celebrate Lent or any other annual period of sacrifice & reflection? What would be the hardest thing to give up? What would improve your life the most if you could give it up?

I am a Stay At Home Mom

Tweet Some women know from birth that they want to be stay-at-home-moms (SAHM). Some know without a doubt that they want to continue working at or outside the home (WAHM or WOHM). Others, for a variety of reasons, don't have a real choice.

Laptop, iPhone, Beer, Dog, Baby - everything a new mom needs

I put myself in the last category because I was unemployed when I got pregnant and, really, who wants to hire a pregnant woman? (legalities aside, I'm talking about reality)

Honestly, I never imagined myself becoming a mother, much less a SAHM, so I sort of fell into it due to the severely lacking local non-profit job market.

Thankfully, I like it.

Chris & I worked hard to become debt free but the house and we had been living on one income since we left California. The cost of childcare in the area combined with the experience of more than a year on a single-income budget made it relatively easy for us to decide that I would continue to stay at home with Klaw.  When Klaw was born with VLCADD, it suddenly became a blessing that I was unemployed.

Staying at home with Klaw has been the best decision several times over for our family. I don't, for a second, think it's the best decision for every woman or every family. My "mom" friends fall all across the spectrum when it comes to this issue, from a mechanical engineer who left a lucrative career because she wanted to be able to stay at home with her children to a mom who, thanks to downsizing, is a stay at home mom due to circumstances not of her own making. Additionally, many of my friends are working moms through both choice and necessity.

What I do believe is that the people who continue to pit WOHMs & SAHMs against each other need to be stuck in a room full of mosquitoes and no fans. (I'm looking at you, Anderson Cooper, cutie pie)

I have been a caretaker to other people's children as a babysitter, an educator, a day care employee, and as a nanny. When people make derogatory comments about childcare providers, I take it personally. I, as do most people who make a career out of working with children, cared & still care deeply for the children who were entrusted to my care. I took the responsibility very seriously and still maintain relationships with many of the families I worked with.

3 of the kids I nannied in Washington supporting me at a concert

 I wasn't raising other people's children; I was doing my best to be another trusted adult in these kids' lives and help instill the values of the family I was working for.

At the end of the day, you need to make the decision that works best for your family. Whether you stay at home or work outside of the home, you need to be happy & confident in your decision. If you aren't, find a way to make a change.

As I've said before, an involved & loving parent is an involved & loving parent whether they are at home all day, at work all day, or deployed.

Are you a SAHM or WOHM? Dad? Have you felt judged for your decision? What is the biggest misconception you'd like to clear up about your role as a stay at home or work outside the home parent?

Inspired by 1.) Return to work after baby was born or stay home? How did you make your decision?

 

NOT A RESOLUTION!!! #KnowAboutMito

Tweet Soooo...I don't make New Year's resolutions because, seriously, who actually keeps them? I don't like to set myself up for failure.  That's counterproductive to my ego.

Anywhooo...I am contemplating a change. A big change.

No, not a big change like a baby...but a big change, nonetheless.





I'm thinking about volunteering with the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation as an Ambassador. There isn't a chapter, group, or ambassador in our area. When I contacted them about the nearest chapter, I found out it's in D.C.  That's a really long drive, in case you were wondering.  The nearest Ambassador is over an hour from us & even further from the more populated areas in Hampton Roads.

So...6 months later, I'm considering it.

Technically, my official duties as an Ambassador would definitely utilize my professional skill set. It would require being available to local families/individuals affected by mitochondrial disease to help direct them to resources and information (NOT diagnosis, treatment, or counseling). I would be required to share educational resources with groups like doctors, hospitals, or even hosting a table at local event.  Organizing a local awareness event would also be on the list of things to do.

I have done all of these things in some capacity with previous jobs and they are well within my comfort level.

My concerns lie with the fact that I have a very active & energetic toddler. I can barely find time to blog. I question my ability to hunker down and organize MYSELF well enough to be an effective ambassador for UMDF.  I'm hoping my upcoming trip to Blissdom 2012 conference will help me clarify some of my personal and professional goals.

My other, and probably biggest concern, is that there is a fundraising aspect to being a UMDF Ambassador. I have never been good at or comfortable with raising money.  There is, thankfully, not a specific amount I would need to raise, I'd just have to do some sort of fundraising. My stomach churns thinking about it.

However, even while my stomach churns, I remind myself that Klaw's VLCAD deficiency is being managed successfully through diet and supplements.  For many people with mitochondrial disease, it is progressive and degenerative.  Part of me feels like I have the time (somewhere) and the resources to do this, which means, in my world, I have a moral obligation to do this.

Yes, this is a me, me, me post but it's weighing heavily on my heart and my mind.  I know there are other families affected by mitochondrial disease in Hampton Roads and I love a good cause.  I think I need to get this out in the universe:

Can I do this?

Can I make a difference?

Do I need to just quit stalling and put on my big girl panties?

Slightly related: I publish a #KnowAboutMito online newspaper through Paper.li, if you are interested. It updates daily with links, blog posts, & articles related to mitochondrial disease & genetics.

You and Me...Free to Disagree!

Tweet I've noticed that many people online and in real life tend to get upset when people make different parenting decisions.  I've noticed this a lot with some of the decisions I have made and I don't really understand it.  Chris & I do things differently than many of our friends and even our families...but are there any parents who make the exact same parenting decisions every single day?  Please tell me if there are any because I'd like to meet them.

Even with Klaw, Chris & I have changed some of our parenting decisions midstream.  Some by choice, some by necessity.  To be fair, here's a rundown of our own hypocrisy over the past almost 11 months:

Livin' Like No One Else!!! Debt from my POV

Tweet

Okay. So this is the first post I've done so I'll start by letting all you curious readers a little about myself. Born a few years ago to two caring parents, the first of three; not three caring parents, but siblings. Spent the first 18 years of my life in Monroe, GA, about 20 minutes from Athens, GA, home of the horrific Georgia Bulldogs (and yes "dogs" is spelled d-o-g-s, not d-a-w-g-s) and about an hour from Atlanta. Grew up as an outside kid who never really watched TV but always looked for the nearest tree to climb, trail to explore, or pinecomb to throw at someone. I grew up playing baseball and was sure I was destined to be a major leaguer with the Chicago Cubs, a dream I have not given up on, by the way. Played sports all of those 18 years and had some scholarship offer to play baseball at some smaller schools. That's when pride stepped in and said "you are too good to play at anything less than a Division I school." I forgot to mention that I was planning on going to the Naval Academy out of high school, to play baseball. Short story is I didnt get in. Oh well. Back to pride. Grew up a Georgia Tech fan, not because I had influence from family members, who were all UGA fans, but because I knew that I wanted to be called "Boss" from UGA graduates. So I decided to go to GT, where I spent 3.5 years bouncing around from major to major (Architecture->Aerospace Engineering (2 weeks)

->Management ->Biology (thought maybe I'd be a doctor) ->Earth & Atmospheric Sciences). Let me say a little about the latter major. The movie "Twister" came out in 1996 and I thought/think it was/is an awesome movie. Weather was awesome, especially severe weather. GT didn't have a Meteorology program and EAS was the closest they had. However, after a year in that curriculum I was unimpressed and uninspired. I decided to transfer. So in the Spring Semester of 1998 I enrolled in the University of Oklahoma Meteorology program, one of the best in the country, I might add. Spent 2.5 years there (yep, total time adds up to 6 years) and graduated May of 2000 with a B.S. in Meteorology, minor in Hydrology. Okay, since I'm getting tired of typing, I'll shorten this. Moved back to GA, got a job teaching 7th grade math in Griffin, GA, hated it, and quit 7 months later, afterwhich I was accepted to the the Navy Nuclear Propulsion Officer Candidate Program (NUPOC). Went to Officer Candidate School in Pensacola, FL in April of 2001, got commissioned as a United States Navy Ensign, and moved to Charleston, SC in August of 2001. Dana and I met through a mutual friend, thanks Arynn, and as Dana has so eloquently put it in the blog title, got engaged and then married. The rest Ill save for those who have any questions.

So, let's talk about debt since this is the reason I'm posting. As you can imagine 6 years of college is not cheap. Let's just say it was a little more than Dana's one year of grad school. In any event, it was all paid for by Mr. Stafford, as in Stafford Loans. Teaching wasnt exactly bringing in the dough, so when the Navy said they would give me $12k, I was sold. I never really had had a high paying job so when I got this bonus and was receiving Ensign pay, I thought I was rich. Got the car I wanted (Explorer previously mentioned in Dana's post) and spent money as I wanted, although I had never really been a freewheeling spender.  I never really thought much about debt until the time arose where I was posed with the idea of having one car and getting rid of the only car I had really wanted/enjoyed or drive 2 cars, one of which you never want your friends to see you drive.  Thankfully I had a loving, smart wife who made me realize that we have a future to think about.  We needed two cars and not one sweet SportTrac.  In the long run, it was the right decision.  I drove 14 hours to trade in the SportTrac for a car I had never even seen.  Even though I had to live with the Champagne Beige Pontiac Grand Am for a little while, it allowed us to use the money I was making more effectively.  The point. Sometimes it is more important to drive a grandma car for a while to make life better later.  Fast forwarding, I have had the fortunate opportunity to serve my country but at the same time live a humble life and pay off everything that Dana and I share (with the exception of our house).  There are times when I asked myself, and Dana, "why cant I just enjoy life right now with the money that we have?", cause lets face it; it is tempting to just spend when you get the first pocketful of dough.  I didnt want to be an old man when I could finally enjoy life, right?  Well, the wisdom that Dana has has let me see the light.  We have sacrificed little and gained a lot.  We have put money into IRA's and into savings (not without a fight from me, of course) and still able to live a good life.  I'll end this diatribe with this.  I was hard-nosed and fought Dana every step of the way but let me tell you this.  It feels awesome to be out of debt and wouldnt change anything about it.

On a different note, isnt my kid cute?

Continued...

peaceful parenting: Until the Violence Stops!

Tweet peaceful parenting: Until the Violence Stops!

Just a heads up - the image in this blog piece really disturbed me.  It's not graphic by any means, which almost made it worse for me.

Chris & I decided to keep Klaw intact based on our own research into the realities vs myths of circumcision and, also, what the procedure actually entails.  It's not my place to tell anyone else what decision to make on this issue but I think it's important for parents to be fully informed before they make a decision that will affect their child permanently.  The fact that it is now a "decision" and not "routine" is a step in the right direction.

What Dr. Sears has to say...

This is a touchy subject and I don't care to debate something so personal, so I'm not allowing comments.